Thursday, July 9, 2015

All the Parenting "Advice" You Will Ever Need.

The Internet is really helpful sometimes.

Or it just informs you of all the ways you are failing as a parent.

Just this past week, I have read SO MUCH bullshit helpful information. And of course I would love to share it with you.

If you care at all about the health or future of your children, AT ALL, you will take what I am about to say seriously. Even though maybe we have never met and you know nothing about me...or my kids. Please read my every word and make life changes accordingly. You can also assume that what I am telling you is most definitely based upon scientific fact. Okay?

Let's get started.

You should never, I repeat, NEVER, let your child eat sugar, have screen time, or play unsupervised. You should not let them watch TV or use bubble bath (unless it is organic, obvi) or eat chicken nuggets from a fast food chain.

Here's why.

1.YOU WILL BE JUDGED.
Not by me. Or God. Or even your closest friends and family. But on Facebook probably. And maybe even Instagram, too.

2. YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CHILD'S FUTURE.
Hey Mom, remember all those double stuffed oreos you let your kid eat that one time when you needed them to just shut their yapper for a minute? They contain really bad things with long names that I can't pronounce. And thanks to that crap, they will bomb their SATs and have NO CHANCE of getting into any kind of college. Nice going.

3. YOU WILL MAKE THEM MISBEHAVE.
Your choice to let them watch an episode (Okay, maybe it was 4. In a row.) of Paw Patrol will decrease their attention span FOREVER. Good luck in pre-K. They will never be able to concentrate during "circle time". They will be nightmares in the classroom, or anywhere for that matter. Because of YOU.

4. THEY WON'T KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG.
If you are not their hovering over them at every moment during the day, how will they form any sort of moral compass? We will be reading about your kid committing unspeakable crimes in the newspaper one day...because you weren't there to make every single decision for them. Shame.

Just kidding. We all know that there won't be a newspaper by then.

5. THEY WILL BE OBESE, LAZY, UNDER ACTIVE AND/OR HYPERACTIVE.
Yep. You let them order a soda from time to time at a restaurant. You really messed up on that one. They are doomed. That Coke they drank last week? That Happy Meal you let them eat very occasionally? Epic fail as a parent.

Every problem your child encounters in life will be because of you and your poor decisions. Its true. I wish I could be more positive. But I can't. Don't believe me? Just check your Facebook feed on a daily basis and you will see the warnings...and the judgements disguised as "good reads" or "useful tips".

You can go read it ALL. Just make sure you refilled your prescription for Xanax.

You'll need it.
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3 comments:

  1. Dammit. I'm such a failure. But at least I'm in good company. Great post, Katie!

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